Bits of Me...

-I love chocolate, but not just any chocolate. It has to be dark chocolate. Unfortunately, this is not a great item to bring around my house because my family can finish off anything related to chocolate in about 2.3 seconds....and believe me when I say I'm not exaggerating.

-I watch Modern Marvels on the History channel like it's my soap opera. I have to watch them at least twice a week. They talk about such fascinating stuff I wonder why everyone isn't glued to their TV! Don't worry I'm well aware of my nerdiness :)

- I hate to run, but I'm thinking about training for a 1/2 marathon this year. Could be a crazy idea, but hey....we only live once!

HOOOORAAAAYYY for me!!! I blogged 3x's this week and it was actually kind of fun. I'm definitely new at this, but with a bit of practice I could really get good. LOL! Well, at least I know I'll have this wonderful online journal to look back on in a few years.

Have a great weekend!

I Can Cook!

I LOVE to bake! There's a big problem with that though.....I end up eating what I bake! So it becomes a tricky balance for me to maintain. I have to curb my enthusiasm for baking and limit how many times a week I indulge in my mini fetish. Unfortunately, last month I discovered the Pillsbury website and now baking has become even easier. I just made monkey bread in 20 minutes and it was pretty tasty. Now I know it can't take the place of a true homemade dessert, but it was a great way to bake and include the kids with an easy to manage recipe.

The website has provided me with a few good dinner recipes as well...and I don't enjoy cooking. I'm so lucky to have a hubby who loves to cook, and he's really good at it too. I've made individual Pot Pies, and Chicken Stromboli which means I can now call myself a cook! Now if only I could figure out how to make the carbs drop off my body as quickly as they latch on I'd be a real genius. Until then I will continue to experiment with my new found cooking skills.

Happy Eating!

*I cheated with the photo this week. I was so excited to eat the bread I forgot to get a picture of it before it was gone. Apparently, we were all a bit hungry.

Courage

 "Our strength often increases in proportion to the obstacles imposed upon it."

~Paul De Rapin~

So this past year has been extremely difficult for me, but as I look back on what I've dealt with and continue to work through I wouldn't change anything. Believe me when I say, that is a pretty scary statement I just made with some major implications. 

 I decided to write this blog in order to open up to the world around me....in a weird cyber space sort of way, and to share my life's journey. If I could help just one other person out there with the words that I write, then my goal for this blog would be achieved. I'm not trying to use this blog as a soapbox or a classroom. I simply want to share my experiences whether big or small and provide a place of acceptance and realism. Our lives are full of extraordinary triumphs and tremendous pitfalls. It's more than a journey; it's a freaking roller coaster.

My roller coaster took a turn for the worse and threw in a few extra loops just for the fun of it last year around this time. I felt like that kid sitting on the coaster crying and begging for the ride to stop so I could catch my breath. Of course, real life has no breaks and so I struggled to find peace and understanding with the cards I had been dealt. At first I was in denial. Completely expected, but really hard to overcome. Once you recognize the wrong and become truly aware, you are then faced with task of actually dealing with your situation. At least in denial I could pretend life was unaltered. Then I was angry. Angrier than I had ever been in my life. I actually hated the person I was on the inside because of all the rage I felt. I felt sorry for myself and wanted to scream at the top of my lungs out of hurt and frustration. I felt so powerless and victimized and I didn't know if I would ever pull out of the sea of agony that was quickly overtaking me.

My husband, J, is a Psychology Graduate student. I'm sure that statement sounds quite random at the moment, but I promise to try and pull it all together in a moment. He has an absolutely crazy schedule each semester and that includes classes, research, and client loads. This year his particular client load hit a bit closer to home than I ever wanted or thought possible. I was already dealing with my own problem when he came home to inform me of his practicum site for the year. I was not happy to say the least. At first I felt sorry for J and the fact that he had to deal with this particular group of individuals. As time progressed, I could see that J was actually striving to help them, which should be obvious given his profession, but I was angry. I knew he was given a job and that he had to perform in order to continue with his career and education. However, I wanted him to only give the bare minimum in this case and I felt betrayed when he actually came home caring about the task he had been given. I knew it was heartless and irrational of me, but at the time I didn't care. I was hurt! It was an extremely rough road for me; for us.

Today I realized that we are at the halfway point of the school year...i.e. practicum site. It was upon thinking about his job that I realized that I'm no longer bitter. Please don't get me wrong, I still don't love his clients, and never will, but I've come a long way in the past year. As I look back I'm cognizant that this particular part of my journey has played out so perfectly it had to be divinely inspired. I'm not saying that I would wish this on anyone, or that I'm happy it happened to me, but I'm so thankful for the person I've become because of it. I've become more human. I've also learned how strong I really am. I'm starting to really like the person that I am....and I'm talking about all of me. We all have a little bit of "ugly" inside of us. Let's face it....we're only human. Its by accepting ourselves that we truly understand and appreciate who we are. It is also through this process that we are able to truly expereince other's as well.

This 1 year journey has prepared me for the next chapter of my life.

So I've never been an advocate for getting a tattoo. I've always thought of them as some barbaric form of masochism that people inflict on themselves. However, this particular tattoo speaks to me. The word alone is very inspirational in that it shows that no matter what happens in life we have a choice. A choice to have the courage to overcome and no longer live in fear or pain. The word signifies my decision to move past this moment in time and remind myself of what I am capable of. I am also intrigued by the color. It's not your usual dark ink that screams out for attention. It is so subtle, as if the word is there as a hidden secret for the individual who wears it rather than a symbol for others. It's personal and intimate. I still haven't decided, but I think this might by my birthday/one year journey gift for myself.

~2012 Goals~

So I wouldn't be following American tradition if I didn't post about my resolutions for this new year. However, I don't like the word "resolutions". It's quite an ugly word if you ask me because it has such a negative stigma to it. Most "resolutions" are not kept and are often forgotten by Valentine's Day. So I've decided to use a different word for myself; Goals.

Definitions according to Dictionary.com:
Resolution-the act of resolving or determining upon an action or course of action, method, procedure, etc.
Goal-the result or achievement toward which effort is directed; aim; end.

 For me "resolution" is a course of action. Well, any action can be thwarted and therefore change at any moment. Once the action has changed it's course I find it rather difficult to "get back on the horse" as they say and redirect the course once again. All of the effort to bring about this change requires energy (scientifically, physically, and most importantly emotionally). I quite frankly do not have the stamina for such endeavors. I have two children! So the whole concept to me seems a bit ambiguous and leaves no clear definition of success.

A goal is not a course of action at all, it is an aim that will provide clear and measurable results. The word alone leaves all ambiguity behind and classifies a distinct direction in which to aspire to. By using the word goal I will be able to focus more specifically on what I want to achieve. A goal is a push rather than a complete change. This will require some energy, but it will be in the same direction that I am already headed, so it will require less effort.  (Which is sort of like cheating, but in a good way.) I mean...let's be honest with ourselves; change is scary. Change is hard, and at times quite unnatural. I don't really desire to CHANGE myself, but rather improve upon what's already there.

So this year I'm using the word GOAL and I'm going to push myself in ways I never thought to before. The great thing about setting a goal is that if I don't attain it, I've still pushed myself more than I thought possible. That in itself will be an achievement!

So without further delay...

 *My 2012 Goals*

~ Blog at least 3x's a week. I think it's a good uneven start. I hate even numbers except 18, 24, &   
   28. I know it's weird, but heck...it's just another part of me that secures my originality.

~ Practice my guitar for at least 30 minutes a day during the week. This will be a big one for me
   since I just started playing. My fingers are a bit sore, but accomplishing this goal will be worth it.

~ Go to the gym at least 4 times a week. I've had a tough time getting into a workout routine that 
   works for me and my family. There has either been a problem with the schedule, 5am is just too     
   early, or the cost, $200 a month is bordering on insane!, so I want to stick with the new plan we've
   started and make it work for us.

~Try something new every 3 months. Now this one is a bit nerve wrecking to me, but I think it's
  going to help me grow in more ways than I ever imagined. For instance, I've joined a group through
  the organization Not For Sale at my church. Human Trafficking should not be tolerated and I want
  to do my part to end it. This is a project very close to heart and I'm unsure if I have the strength to
  do this, but I am guaranteeing my commitment for 3 months. At that time I will take personal
  inventory and determine if I am emotionally capable of continuing. I have a few other ideas for 
  this 3 month challenge that I will update you on as the year progresses. :)

I plan on adding a few more to this list in my goal diary that I've established for myself. By writing down my goals I can easily refer back to them throughout the year and in the future to see where I've been and how far I've come.

I Am The Turtle

Writing a blog is SO much more intimidating than I ever expected it to be...

I've always been an avid reader since the moment I could sound out my first words. My entire high school and college years were spent with my nose behind a book. In fact, when I'm not tending to matters of higher demand you can still find me snuggled up in one of our big chairs reading something. Secretly it's been a fantasy of mine to become an author of some sort one day. However, I've always thought of it as more of a fairytale dream than an actual credible career for myself.

One day J, (my husband) asked so matter of factly, "why don't you write a blog?". "A Blog,....me?", I said. J, "yeah....why not?" Well, I had honestly never thought of it before. I didn't even know how to start one, and I certainly had no idea what I would write about. My fantasy instantly became tangible (to an extent) and now all I had to do was reach out and grasp it. So I figured I'd give it a try....I mean how hard could it be? I always have something to say (as J tells me all the time) so this should be easy as pie, right?  Uh...wrong. Imagine my shock when I discovered my loss for words and an apparent lack of wit.  In my fantasy, I always dreamt of the words just flowing through me as if they were coming from some higher source and I was merely the conduit for them to be articulated. Well, I must have lost my mojo cause I can't seem to tap into this higher source I envisioned. In fact, it's just me and my laptop here and we are presumably bogged down with a case of writer's boulder. That's right; not block, but an actual boulder!

Getting past this boulder will prove to only be a part of the problem I'm faced with. The other, more fearful part, is the fact that many may read what I have actually written. THAT, my friends is the scariest part of all. (Of course that is a gratifying thought compared to meditating on the fact that no one will read it because I'm so dull and unwitty.)

 So in the end here I am realizing that writing a blog is quite obviously just what I need. It's adventure; fantasy; and fear all rolled into one...and the craziest part: I don't even have to leave my living room! Opening up to people is terrifying to me,but....I think this is going to change my life.

"Behold the turtle. He only makes progress when he sticks his neck out. " ~James Bryant Conant

Hunger

Have you ever wanted something so bad you could taste it? That is how I feel about photography. I am more than eager to put myself out there to experience as much as possible in order to learn and get better. My concern is that with the holidays and J's finals, I've found myself a bit stretched (actually, kneaded dough is more accurate). My photography journey is officially set to begin at the beginning of next year and I'm glad for this quick test to show me that I need to create a healthy limit in which to extend myself each month. It doesn't matter how much you love something, if you let it overwhelm you, the passion will fizzle out as quickly as it ignited. Besides, a good balance will ensure my appetite is only slightly assuaged. After all, there's nothing wrong with a little bit of hunger..

Light the Night

  

This past Saturday was so windy and cold I almost forgot I was in Southern California. I took part as a photographer in Eastvale’s Light the Night festivities and about halfway through I could no longer feel my toes. It was all worth it to see the little faces light up as they got to meet Santa and take a picture with him.

The day started out a little crazy with our sleigh snapping off it’s runners during the first picture, but all ended well with our sleigh firmly planted on the ground (runners omitted). We also had some fly by presents, which was really a sight to see. So all in all I think the event was quite extraordinary and a wonderful memory for all.

Here are just a few of the photos taken…

These girls had a great idea when they asked the elves to get in their picture. It's the only one I have of the them from the whole night. Apparently, they spend most of their time indoors up there in the North Pole because they couldn't handle the cold weather.

 I love the look on this little girls face. She looks like she's trying to tough it out, but she didn't last too long.

 This little girl just looked so cute as she sat there. I really enjoyed watching all of their excitement.

 The classic first "real" encounter with Santa (it doesn't count when they're tiny).

And last, but not least Me! I couldn't resist getting in on the action myself after a long cold night. I sure hope he remembers to bring me the cute pair of boots I asked for.